#so ill shut myself out | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

illmetbymoonlight · 1 year ago

Text

Today I received the only real birthday card I'll get. The other is from Hallmark with a coupon.

Sometime I wonder what I did wrong in life that my life ended up being so God damned pathetic...

My birthday is in a few days and instead of being a happy occasion it's just a bleak reminder of how alone I really am.

I'll officially be in my mid thirties with nothing to show for my life. No friends. No partner/significant other. No major accomplishments. Nothing. Just a family that more than occasionally treats me like garbage and a lack of a will to live. My life is just a big void.

#and her words keep repeating in my head... mean and nasty #it just keeps getting worse... like a constant whisper whenever i want to talk to someone...#what if shes right? if so i shouldnt get involved with anyone... no one deserves to be treated mean and nasty by me #so ill shut myself out #maybe im alone because i really am mean and nasty

3 notes · View notes

dorothywonderland · 2 months ago

Text

BRO LITERALLY DOXXED HIMSELF TO THE CYCLOPS. he was asking to get jumped come on

#ATHENA WAS LITTERALLY BEGGING FOR BRO TO SHUT UP AND HE WAS JUST LIKE:#“HEY CYCLOPS IM THE REIGNING KING OF ITHACA AND MY NAMES ODYSSEUS BET YOU CANT FIND ME”#my art #epic the musical #epic the cyclops saga #odysseus #odysseus of ithaca #odysseus epic #athena #athena epic #eurylochus epic #out off topic but people that sent doodle request on ask im not ignoring y'all ok #it's just that my grandpa fell down on the kitchen and hit his head so now ive been a bit busy taking care of him #he's good btw nothing happened to him it was just a cut #but the gdi head always bleeds so much it was so scary #plus i felt another artblock starting so I had to doodle something silly and funny to kinda motivate myself lol #AND PLUS i started trying animating and turns out I KINDA HATE-LOVE IT #it's SO MUCH WORK TAKES SO MUCH TIME IT CAN BE SO BORING AT TIMES #but also once you kinda check how its looking overall it feels so good and fun??#anyways ill probably get to those asks around the weekend when ill have some free time :)

429 notes · View notes

off-mozzarella · 2 months ago

Text

A lil something for Whumptober day 10: blow to the head

#I don't think this came out right but I chose to mess up my sleep so i could speedrun this #because I promised myself I would try to post at least some sketches for this #I'm sorry I'm nit used to draw something more than a person like 🧍 but ig it's good to push myself a little 😅#eventully something will come out alright #buut I have to at least try #HI I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO TAG #or if I want to but I already put some time into this so might aswell lol #lu sky #lu twilight #linked universe #cw blood #ig... b&w poorly drawn <3 #whumptober 2024 #lu whumptober #I could've finished it later #ill be sooo tired tomorrow #but it b like that #worst part is I wanted to redraw some sketches I had done troughout the year but I didn't do a single thing #this is all I have and I started it like two days ago lol #I don't like posting stuff I made so recently bc it's so easy to miss obvious mistakes but I want to feel like I made something in time...#almost XD #lu fanart #I'll shut up

132 notes · View notes

usagichanp · 3 days ago

Text

Me when Viktor Arcane fic writers include scenes highlighting the reality of living with chronic pain/disabilities

#viktor arcane #viktor league of legends #arcane #arcane league of legends #jayce x viktor #jayvik #NOT IN AN INFANTALIZING WAY!!! I have chronic pain and live with several chronic illnesses myself #so it means SO much to see people take time out of their day– whether the author is disabled or not– to depict the small stuff #I was thinking about writing a fic where Viktor's leg hurts when a storm approaches #I have fibromyalgia and storms/pressure changes cause my knees/joints to hurt like a biiiitch #shut the fuck up usagi #ok to reblog

27 notes · View notes

ganondoodle · 3 months ago

Text

so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-

but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again

(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)

i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)

weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward

but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.

right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #ganondoodles rants #sorta #suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw #theres some construction stuff on our house going on #and my father is extremely stressed about it #he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed #my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi #to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself #which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee #and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her #to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life #BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her #without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears #and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains #but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being #always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold #but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings

33 notes · View notes

doubledyke · 3 months ago

Text

i know it's probably a bad idea to date someone based on a shared hyperfixation but i really wanna date someone based on a shared hyperfixation

#okay not REALLY but it would be cool to date someone who also likes cartoons in general and wouldn't judge me for my strange addiction #the addiction being ed edd n eddy of course #i know its pretty normal to be into anime these days and i mean i can maybe work with an anime gf #but i dont watch it and dont really want to start....maybe for the right person.....#disney is a hard no though #honestly im cool being single but it is getting a bit boring ngl #i was on a couple dating apps recently and jesus christ they were so bad i deleted my accounts within 24 hours #nothing but polyamorous shenanigans #“i have a husband but im looking for a girl for myself”#✋😑 keep lookin babe #im not gonna play second fiddle to some family guy pj pants wearing wannabe twitch streamer with dirt under his finger nails #anyway ill shut up now #im going out dancing tonight and i know im not gonna meet anyone but i need an excuse to dress up #wish me luck🤞

24 notes · View notes

geddy-leesbian · 3 months ago

Text

just going to be bitchy on main one last time before making myself go to bed

For real idk why the fuck I'm still bothering with my high effort location/details screenshot compilation posts when I can just make lower effort posts that get SIGNIFICANTLY more notes. Like why the fuck should I even bother to spend at least a couple hours curating screenshots for part 2 of Luis's lab details which will get a maximum of 50 notes when I could just spend like 20 minutes making a few gifs like this and get HUNDREDS of notes

#im not entitled to attention but no one is entitled to my gigantic hoard of very useful reference screenshots #i know theyre very useful bc i frequently reference them myself while writing #and the thing is i can continue to do that myself without posting any publicly :) but i thought other ppl would appreciate them too #and i know a handful of ppl do but overall idk man rn i don't feel appreciated enough to continue sinking my time into these #ill probably feel embarrassed abt breaking down publicly over smth so dumb tomorrow but that's tomorrow heather's problem #tonight heather's problem is feeling ignored by a fandom ive tried so hard to contribute and be helpful to #sorry to the ppl who do interact w and appreciate me are reading this im v thankful for yall and wouldve given up posting sooner without yal #it's still just very discouraging to see my efforts/honestly myselfvgo ignored in the fandom as a whole while other ppl get more notes #and interaction that i see on my dash all the time #idk i dont think that came out right but for rn i really need to just shut the fuck up

16 notes · View notes

megumi-fm · 7 months ago

Text

.

#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn #but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one #so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot #i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks #they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary #anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place #and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot #and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop #now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg #a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context #point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop #and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight #i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop #anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever #and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation #and i was replying with one word answers #and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then #after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place #then i got too embarrassed and chickened out #yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way #i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny #megumi in the tags

26 notes · View notes

xxplastic-cubexx · 10 days ago

Note

Honestly your tags are so fun to read every time, i'm almost more excited for them than the actual post (but not entirely because your art is SO GOOD!!!! i adore it). If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?

i am studying psychology because i refuse to see a therapist so ill figure out whats wrong with me myself !!!!!!!

#snap chats #WITH. a minor in human resources ☝️ because im evil or something #and whatever character/s i decide to fixate on for the next three years i will also psychoanalyze them I Guess. //loud coughing//#tbh i only saw a therapist to get medicine but since bloodwork is expensive without insurance i dont even do that anymore. sad !#but yeah im a certified rambler if i dont share every thought i have so people understand me as much as i want them to ill die #which is why charles xavier if youre out there you have full rights to my brain .......... //gross wink sound//#why cant telepaths be real itd make my life so much easier. i woudnt have to talk a mile a minute anymore #because i do talk very fast because growing up my mom would cut me off a lot #so now i talk fast in fear of being cut off without all my thoughts being heard. anyways.#thank you for also enjoying my art :] a sideshow to the glory that is my tags i KNOWWW but im glad my efforts are not unnoticed 😌#back to My Major tho when i was in middle school i thought i wanted to go into comic books #but then i thought id lose my love for drawing if i did it professionally so now i do it. semi professionally #on my own terms babyyyy thats right. and if im lucky i get paid to draw my faves im living the dream babes #thats why my text posts take nine years for me to type im legitimately sitting here thinking if i said everything i wanted #and if i worded it right but even then after it's up im like 'but did i word it right tho' but its like 'bro just fucking POST IT'#'ITS NOT THAT DEEP' its as my favorite professor once told me 'youre very paranoid' and he's right !!!! im very paranoid 🥰#ok im done now. see thats why i say Ok Im Done Now its a sign im forcing myself to shut UP #wait not done Almost but not quite i was rewatching 97 to Try to get caps of charles in his combat uniform #and i fear i still cackle at erik telling charles to shut up like PLEAAASSE...... i need that bit CLIPPED #it makes me giggle ... someone remind me to clip all of erik's cameos in the squirrelgirl podcast btw #ive been meaning to do that for weeks but. oops <3 i need all my grandpa's moments CATALOGUED and AT THE READY..#ok i done fr now i have class with my you're-paranoid professor in like an hour and i wanna get some work done before then #BYYYYYEEEE. FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES PROBABLY IDK

16 notes · View notes

lovesickeros · 1 year ago

Note

I also feel old whenever I look at the newer sagau fics

nah cuz what happened..i was there for the birth of this au when it was a handful of people vibing and everyone knew like. everyone now its everywhere and im walking back into it like a year later and everything is on fire LIKE....damn im just old huh. ya'll evolved while i was gone. not that its a bad thing but im like ????? tryna navigate all the new au's and content + writers..

#asks #the-white-void #img block #i was like what. 19 when i first joined....now i can legally drink who let this happen. im OLD and CREAKY now.#shaking this fandom around in a pringles can BACK IN MY DAY-#smh they have it good now finding sagau content for what u want was so hard depending on what u were looking for #no tsaritsa takeover either smh i gotta do everything myself /j #carving out tsaritsa sagau all by myself it aint much but its honest work #thats still my brand idc im her number one fan #furina is also my brand (soon)#OKAY ill shut up abt being old now zzzzzzzzzzz #taking my creaky bones elsewhere #(to nap for 24 hours)

43 notes · View notes

insanekpopfan · 1 month ago

Text

I don’t rlly get why autistic people are so misunderstood all the time for quite literally no reason..

#[ ⋆🎐₊˚ shut up jaxrel… ]#im an autistic individual and i lost friendships over nothing and im genuinely so tired abt it #i cant be myself at all with friends even though they can??#i feel out of place #personal vent #vent post #vent blog #cw vent #autism #actually autistic #actually mentally ill #autistic things #autistic #autistic community

9 notes · View notes

cimicherrychanga · 2 months ago

Text

sigh. i miss that stranger i had the most insane game of rock paper scissors online with some 9 years ago

#i want to believe they were playing the same insane death note mind games i was #like trying to think 4 steps ahead of the other #like ah they picked scissors last time so logically the next course of action would be to click clockwise- paper #however they would guess id assume that and pick scissors myself and so theyd instead pick rock to counter me. so ill pick paper #and then it turned out i was right every time. got like 17 wins out of 20 with like 1 loss and 2 ties #it was so thrilling #im easy to please #shut up dave

9 notes · View notes

snowangeled · 7 months ago

Text

i;m literally so fucking done i've been trying to get a job for over a year like i've been looking nearly every day and applying everywhere i fucking can but i still haven't gotten one. i am extremely lucky to still live with my parents and not have to worry about rent or groceries but i have literally zero experience and savings i literally have 25 dollars right now and no one will hire me anf the older i get the less likely i am to find a job and im so stressed please nowhere wants me i fucking hate everything how am i ever going to be able to live on my own if i cant have any money im stressed as fuck please someone hire me

#and the only times peope have reached out to me they've then fuckingh ghosted me i cant do this anymore #sorry i didnt wqork during the pandemic because i didnt want to kill my mother sorry thats such a bad thing apparently #literally what's so wrong with me that i can't even get a low paying position. what i have i done so wrong that places that require no expe #experience still shut me out. genuinely im convinced ill never get a job and i shoukd just kill myself because no one seems to give enough #of a fuck about me anyway

10 notes · View notes

tamagotchikgs · 5 months ago

Text

sadness n agonies r getting me tonight lads it feels like theres a big knot inside me getting bigger n tighter at the same time n it hurts so much i have no idea what to do but Stand here. i can even sit im too restless im just standing and trying not to cry

#my throat is cramped up from trying so hard #my . existence as a whole is so deeply fucked #everything that made me is just. always here #i can never get away from it #ill never be okay #every time i try to move on i try to give myself an actual life and its There and its stomping it all out #i cant do any of the things i want to #i dont know how to get better when its always there and everyone acts like it isnt #everyone just tells me i need to do it all anyway but i Cant #i want to bust i cant and i know im such a failure for that #my therapist tells me to do all these things but i cant #i dont know how to get there #and whenever i tell her that she just . gets so annoyed #and basically just acts like im lying im making up excuses but i really. i really really dont know what to do #and i dont know what to do about that either #when the one person/place thats supposed to help me with this stuff just. doesnt listen #every time i try to explain she just shuts me down or pushes it aside #and tells me im the only one who can help myself but i . cant #i just cant. ive tried i really fucking have ive put everything i have into it #i cant #so is that it #should i just give up and kill myself #was there never any hope

8 notes · View notes

suffercerebral · 6 months ago

Text

me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

14 notes · View notes

bueris · 7 months ago

Text

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere #i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art #but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely #certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like #university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government #i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour #party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead #also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be #idk #it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking #also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most #part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still #i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going #the way i wanna #I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life #if not then gap year to work it out #should probably look at unis for english language too then #sigh #ucas website i may as well marry you #ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up #yeah #shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical #they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices #crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that #why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine #bue waffling #vent post

10 notes · View notes